Food Trip Week with Mom

I should have posted this last week but I didn’t have any internet connection.  So I’m making this tribute post to my only Mom especially since it’s her birthday today – April 7!

Since it’s Black Saturday today and she’ll be attending a vigil tonight, chances are the celebration would be held tomorrow.

Anyway, Mom and I have been in an eat-out frenzy from March 25 – March 30.  Initially we went out just to grab a couple of supplies for our new ice craze variations and snack foods when I asked my mom to have our lunch at Don Beppe.  An Italian restaurant located at The Peak in Gaisano Mall of Davao.

Don Beppe

Honestly, mom and I felt a bit out of place… If my dad was there, everything else would be just fine.  Dad was such a personality that he could feel comfortable anywhere.  Goes to show where I really take from.  Nonetheless, their menu was quite daunting (more like the prices) so considering our budget, we opted for classic dishes with the Don Beppe twist.  I ordered grilled steak, and mom got the tuna… something.  I forgot.  LOL.

Since they had free wifi, I got to check in on Foursquare then was able to go on Facetime with my aunt in Japan (teasing her with our food).

Complimentary Breadsticks

Table centerpiece

View on the outside

the counter

My order

mom's

our placemats

Just to humor my mom, I took a couple of her pictures at The Peak.

               

Our next date was for dinner at the most well-known restaurant in the Philippines… JOLLIBEE!!!

For 2 straight nights, mom and I had dinner at Jollibee.  And yes, we still annoyed my teased my aunt about it.  Mom was constantly craving for their Crispy Bangus (Milkfish) value meal.  Plus, she finally got a taste of their new summer serving: Milo Mix-ins.

Milo Mix-in

Our last stop for the week was last Friday’s dinner at SUMOSAM.  A new Japanese restaurant at Abreeza Mall.

Again, I felt out of place.  It would have been nice if dad was there.

So I ordered our food.  A tonkatsu for me, and a Salmon dish for my mom. I wasn’t sure if they had any silverware for us to use but glancing around at the other customers, they were all using chopsticks.  Thus… mom and I had no choice… chopsticks it is.  Dinner was fun and stressful.  Fun and stressful because mom kept laughing when I told her we won’t be returning there (chopsticks were such a challenge!!!).  And when I was on my last spoon err… stick, she noticed that the customers eyeing us earlier on the other table before us were using spoon and fork.  ARGH!! Talk about late news flash!  Nevertheless, it was fun and a very fulfilling meal.

So that’s it for now!  I wonder where we will be celebrating tomorrow?  Hmm… I better search for other places to go to.  Suggestions anyone?

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

A Year After Goodbye

November 6, 2011

A year ago (on a Saturday), at 6:06PM, my father surrendered to liver cancer.  The pain of the loss has long been turned into a dull thudding inside me that I could tune out at most times but somehow, in days like these, I still remember the last few moments I spent with him.

Feeling quite sentimental really…

Been typing and deleting words I could use to clearly express what’s going on in my mind, but my brain’s not cooperating.  A large part of me wants to share the details of those final moments with him… but another part of me wants to keep it all inside.  Maybe its because I’ve shared it before (with close friends) and then repeating it again a year after would make me seem like a broken record.  I want to give a tribute to my dad but there’s so much say and I don’t know where to start yet.

Anyway as planned for his 1st year death anniversary, we – me, my mom, a few of our neighbors, and my half-brothers and other relatives – were set to meet up for a short get-together prayer at my dad’s final resting place.  And for the whole day I’ve been reminded of my dad.  To name a few:

1. Disney’s The Game Plan

The movie was playing at a local channel and although I’ve seen it a couple of times already, I still enjoy watching it.  Aside from the fact that regardless of my  ”young” age I’m slightly addicted to Disney,  I remember watching it with my dad.  A Daddy-Daughter movie that’s very heartwarming.  I’m easily moved to tears when watching a feel good movie, so the waterworks really started with those cute and sweet moments Joe Kingman shared with his daughter Peyton.

God… I miss my dad.

2. Phrases running through my mind

“Kiss ko beh…” 

I remember one of dad’s rare moments where he goes sweet on himself asking for me to kiss him.  Dad was still able to drop me off to work (a day before we rushed him to the hospital).  He came back later in the morning to get his LOA for his check-up (along with my half-brother and aunt) when he asked for his kiss.  In retrospect, a surprising request.  Dad didn’t get to have himself checked-up that day anymore.

“Surrender na ko… (I surrender)”

November 5, 2010

The day we rushed him to the hospital.  Mom didn’t come along at first.  It was just me and my half-brother then my other half-brother came along.  I still remember the nurse inquiring if whether all four of us were siblings.  I guess my dad looked young for them and he was already 63 that time!  A welcome comment to distract me from the severity of the situation.  I kept thinking “Not again… it’s been less than a year from his ExLap surgery…”  plus the fears of a few months ago (refer here).  So when the doctor arrived, I was on the edge.  And rightfully so!  I didn’t know what to expect.  So when the doctor said my dad had Liver Cancer and we were just counting the days until he’ll be leaving us, maintaining my composure and keeping my tears at bay was the least of my problems… breaking the news was.

So when my dad jokingly told me “Kapoy na man.  Unsa man, surrender na ko?  (I’m tired already.  So, should I surrender?” It took every amount of my strength to keep me from bursting to tears.  He asked me the same thing again, once we were settled on a room.  He already knew something was wrong since my response was a sober one.   God!  Feeling chest pangs…

I never got to talk to him after.  When I got him settled with my mom and half-brother looking after him, I reported for work to finish a few stuff.  Then when I got back, Dad was at the ICU with a tube stuck on his mouth to aid his breathing.

He was slowly distancing himself from us during his last two weeks.  I guess he wanted to show us a strong front and that nothing was wrong.  As for me, after receiving the breaking news, accepting it was a process.

November 6, 2010

“Ma’am, if he comes to a point for cardiac arrest, will we be reviving him?”

“So soon?  He just got admitted last night!”

Keeping the tears at bay while at the ICU was physically draining and emotionally painful.  Since Mom appointed me to make the big decisions, signing of waivers and be the receiver of the doctors’ news, putting up a brave front was the only way to go.

“He might be going today”

The doctor – a close friend of my dad – broke the news.  There was no chorus of crying from our party.  But there was no dry pair of eyes surrounding my dad’s hospital bed.  After the final blessings for the dying, I had to push back the tears and pain I was feeling and be strong for my mom.

Do you know how painful it is holding a bedside vigil?  Monitoring the last rise and fall of blood pressure, the slow intake of breath, the last pulse and heartbeat, waiting for the medicines to wear off, grown up guys crying saying sorry to a father who they believe abandoned them, a doctor crying for a loss of a friend, listening to whispered messages and prayers…

I think I need to stop now.  I’m sure you get the picture.

3. The Missing Death Certificate

Dad’s DC has been missing for quite sometime now and scavenger hunting for it at home has been more than tedious.  Now, it suddenly turns up hidden with a few of my stuff in my room.  I don’t know if it’s because my room has been in disarray or something else.

So that’s it.  For now.

I still miss my dad.  I miss our bonding moments together.  He always made it a point to introduce me and talk about my relatives on his side of the family tree.  I still feel uneasy with the exposure I get with my father’s side of the family.  Eventually, I’ll be more open and comfortable when I’m with them.

The Rockstar that was My Father

Daddy making faces

Share your thoughts?  Would love to hear from you.  I’ve posted about my dad and his passing here:

http://mindbeatz.wordpress.com/2010/11/14/missing-something/

http://mindbeatz.wordpress.com/2010/11/10/eulogy-for-my-dad/

http://mindbeatz.wordpress.com/2010/11/24/dreaming-about-my-dad/

Sharing with a Grieving Heart

I’m trying to compose my thoughts on how to go about in sharing what’s on my mind for my post but the intro words seem to escape me.  So I’ll just say it as it is.

Last night I went to the wake of my friend’s Dad (and my Dad’s friend).  It was only last March that Sarsky learned that his father was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer of the liver.  The same infliction that caused my own father’s death a few months back.  I think it was the same day that I was offered my new job that I was informed about it as well.  It was a total killjoy news.  I felt a squeeze in my heart for what my friend was going through, what she will be going through, and all the uncertainties “dying” presents.

One is never ready for death.  When I knew my dad was dying, it was a just day before he died.  Me and my half-brother rushed him to the hospital and all the time I was just thinking it would be a rerun on what happened in the December of 2009.  When the doctor informed me he had cancer… that was when all the floodgates of my tears opened and the reality of losing my dad to a very traitorous illness broke through my defenses.  But I had to be strong… for my dad… my mom… and for myself.  I never really internalized what was happening around me… the gravity, the severity of the situation… just an issue that I would tackle on a later time since more pressing matters needed to be attended.  I was running on auto-pilot… especially in the morning of his death  I spent most my time on his bedside in the ICU, alternating from grabbing medicines at the pharmacy, talking to the doctors, following up on my health care benefits, lending him my iPod (the last playlist I made for him is still queued).  People always asked how I did it.  Not breaking down and cry?

I just did.  It couldn’t be helped.  Dad always wanted things to be in place, and to be always happy.  And that’s what drove me… I guess.  I know I’ve already accepted his death even before anyone else in the family did.  The vigil we kept by his bedside table from the time the doctor confirmed he will be going anytime soon,  up to the last rise and fall of his heart monitor, up to his final intake of breath, and up to his final heart beat.  I witnessed it all.  Dad died a peaceful death.  With his ready smile on his lips at his wake, he didn’t look like he suffered from any pain.

I know I’ve grieved my fair share.  But there are a lot of times, that I wonder if I’ve ever grieved enough.  Seeing my friend at the same state that I was then on my dad’s wake – always ready to share what happened, entertaining guests, offering food, forgetting to eat, participating in the services, and always being her happy and sunny self – resonated and struck a chord deep in me.  Thankfully though, Sarsky and her family are very close and are very spiritual.  They had each other to comfort them, and she has friends (like me and my college classmates) ready to be there anytime she needs us.

My heart goes out to her family.  Tito Jun’s cancer did not rest well on him.  His body was totally affected by his sickness.  On a sad note, I couldn’t see Tito Jun in the man who was lying there.  The picture on top of his coffin will be the face that I would always remember.  The picture which he chose since he new his features would change when he dies.  Typical of Tito Jun to always make light of a dark situation.  I feel really bad.  I didn’t expect the change to happen.  Not in such a short span of time.  I guess cancer, the time frame when you find out about it, and whether you go to the hospital to be treated plays vital roles on how it affects one’s body.

When my dad died, he retained most of his physical features.  Though he dropped a few kilos, he was still recognizable.  Maybe because he died the way he lived.  Always at the moment.  Not plugging himself with medicines.  Just for that thought alone, I am grateful that we learned of his illness at the last minute.  My regret is, I never got to spend much time with him, nor spoil him.  No more impromptu music sessions, early morning greetings during birthdays or holidays for me.  You can read the eulogy I made here.

Okay… enough about that.  We need to keep moving forward.  Besides, it should be a happy day too.  It’s Sarsky’s birthday and me and my college classmates will be meeting up to make her happy on her special day.

Sarsky and Tito

Indescribable Day

Today would have been my dad’s 64th birthday.   I’m missing him so much right now.  But I’m thankful that I’m able to spare him the pain he would have been suffering.  Aside from his illness, he would be very affected if he knew what’s going on with my work life right now.  I guess that’s one of the reasons which I rarely share my troubles with my parents.

I’m particularly feeling down today.  I was intent on taking a leave of absence this day and visit my dad’s final resting place.  But due to a number of work-related concerns, I had to report to work.  Big mistake!  Reporting for work was utterly unbearable the whole day!  My fb (female boss) was at our plant.  Interviewing… for my replacement.

I was fine with that.  But having to see it live was quite humiliating.  Add to that, fb wasn’t exactly tact about the whole thing (especially on some lapses on my part).

UGH!!! It’s just SO annoying!  And depressing!

I still haven’t turned in my resignation so it would be against labor laws if they ASK me for my resignation letter.  So I’m just hoping that I’ll be able to land another job soon which I hope would be a better environment (and compensations too).

Sorry bffs.  Guess we’ll have to schedule our con-call some other time.  I’m just not in the talking mood.  Wishing for tightest of hugs though.

Can’t Hardly Wait

Image via Wikipedia

What are you looking forward to this year?

I’m looking forward to a couple of things.  Such as: a new and stable job, my own small-scale business, to be free from my debts, and be at peace. Not specifically in that order, but altogether closely intertwined.

December of 2009 was a financial blow to our family.  My dad got hospitalized and underwent Exploratory Laparotomy due to the sudden enlargement of his general abdominal region.  He was diagnosed in having a cirrhotic liver by the end of his surgery.  So Mom had to pawn my heirlooms, so to speak.  As for my part, I took out a couple of loans to help out in keeping making my dad comfortable when he got discharged that year.

Seeing my dad getting better on the early quarter of 2010, I took out another loan for personal means, not considering that we still had a large amount to pay up for hospital bills (since our company HMO didn’t shoulder the maximum benefit limit for my dependent).  I guess I still believe in fairytales and happy endings; that mom and dad would just make things okay, and everything will be alright with me just tagging along for the whole ride.

Dad’s speedy recovery had a bad turn by the middle of the year and it was only last November, when he got admitted again that I learned the truth.  He was dying.  Cancer of the liver.  What a blow!  You would never expect it of him.  He was still able to drive his car, enjoy his favorite pastime (Bingo), and was as ever stubborn as a mule.  I wasn’t ready to lose a father.  A lot of things were still not in order and stuff to be shared– unpaid bills, unfinished business dealings, music, long-lost father-daughter hugs, butterfly kisses, and belly-aching laughter.  But seeing him fight on for his life, his struggle with his pain, the sleepless night he endured while in the ICU squeezed my heart all the more.  That’s when I told him to rest.  We’ll be fine and take care of everything.

My dad died on the second day he was hospitalized, with his immediate family surrounding him – me, my mom, my half-brothers, and his siblings.  Until now, I can still feel the palpable silence of his last few hours, and the quiet sobbing of my aunts.  I had to be strong.  If not for myself, then at least for my mom.  The impact of losing my dad’s presence at home was not something I was prepared for that day.  I wasn’t even able to hug his remains before being transported to the morgue.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not blaming my dad for leaving us in a financial hole.  I would rather be stuck in that hole than losing him.  But it couldn’t be helped.  Mom and I just need to work out a lot of things to end out financial worries.

If that wasn’t bad enough, my work life took a turn for the worse before 2010 ended.  My new female boss (FB) has, in her not-so-obvious way, hinted that I should resign.  I’m still not open for this discussion on this since I’m still processing this.  I’ve already had a few interviews but no takers yet.  I just hope I’ll be able to land a more stable position with a more satisfying compensation and benefits package.

There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

When I was about to turn in my resignation earlier this week, my FB didn’t accept it.  We convened at my new male boss’s (MB) office to discuss about it.  My MB didn’t want me to resign at all but his hands were tied since our head office managers were calling the shots.  He asked for an extension.  And so far, that has been a great sigh of relief on my part.  Honestly, I didn’t want to exit if I had nowhere else to go.  So I’m still staying (for a few more months) until I find a new job.

Planning a Business

I’m looking forward to a recent business venture I’m planning on.  My best gay friend (BGF) and I are in cahoots in setting up a mini walk-in beauty parlor at home.  Bgf was talented in this area but he claims not having a passion for it (probably due to lack of funds and tools).  So I offered him our house as a venue, I’ll provide the equipment, and spread by word of mouth (and perhaps “model”) his works for any possible customers.  Nothing big yet, but just a few heads to start the business running.  If this comes to reality, I’ll be able to get a head start in my financial stability issue.

Another business I’ve been planning on for quite a few years now: Book rental.  I’ve got tons and tons of pocketbooks all gathering dust in our attic.  It would be a shame to throw them out.  I love books after all.  Since most are used books, I’ll just have them leased for a small price, gain members, get popularity, and see what happens next.  I’ll even branch out in researching and other clerical skills I can throw into.  Who knows, it just might click.  After all, we’re in a neighborhood close to a couple of schools.

I’m pumped about these ventures.  Can’t hardly wait!

In a Nutshell

Financial stability (if not free of debt) is what I’m gearing towards this year and for the succeeding years.  I’m working on landing on a better job and starting up my small-scale businesses.

I just need a few jumpstarts and motivators to get me moving.  I hope you’ll help me along the way.  If you’ve got suggestions or ideas that would somehow improve my plans, feel free to comment.

Well… I’d better get back to work!

Related Articles

• Abdominal exploration – All Information (umm.edu)
• 10 Reasons to Start a Business This Year (online.wsj.com)

What’s Up? Smile!

Nothing new really.  I just had a long exercise of my face muscles this afternoon.  My “darling” came for a visit after arriving from abroad.  I never realized how much I missed him until that moment that I had a hard time containing my laughter and smiles in front of many people.  Like I said, my face muscles were aching by the time he left.

Some would say it’s too early to be back to normal after a loved ones passing.  And sometimes I feel I shouldn’t be too happy because I am still grieving.  But life has other plans.  And I find myself, though sad at times, focusing more on things that make me smile and feel better.

So here’s a tribute to the day that passed… SMILEYS FOR EVERYONE!!!

“cheshire grin”

So cute!!!

Here’s another one:

sooo happy…

Oh c’mon!  I know you want to.  Go ahead!  Laugh out loud!

mouth-pulling fr

And I have friends who are like these guys. ↑↑↑

And here’s a little “cutie” thing that’ll make you smile:

awww… so cute!!!

So cute!!! Hope I made you all smile!

Movie Watching vs. Old-School Games

My nieces kept calling me up to join them in watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader 3D version.  Oh how I wanted to watch the movie!  And my half-brother was going to treat me too.  Unfortunately, I had a pending responsibility at home earlier and Mom was not yet replying on what time she’d be going home.  My half-bro also made a boo-boo.  Instead of getting tickets for the 3:00 PM show, he purchased the 12:50PM viewing instead.  So I never got the chance.  When my mom arrived home before 3PM, it was already too late.  I ended up meeting up with them after the movie.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

My bro treated me at McDonald’s for a BigMac Meal.  YUM!  Yes, I was hungry and don’t blame me!  I missed eating breakfast and lunch.  So that was already my meal for the 2 meals I missed.

Afterwards, we headed home.  Though mom was uncomfortable with having guests, she just kept silent.  My younger niece played endlessly with my board games and card games.  We played Monopoly Deal, Millionaire’s Game, Bendomino, and more Bendomino.  We also played my rubik’s cube on the side.

I especially enjoyed my nieces’ reaction when their Dad claimed that they should get home already since it was a school day the next day.  They kept on begging and begging their Dad to stay longer.  Unfortunately (or fortunately!  Since we couldn’t offer any dinner yet), Kuya’s word prevailed.

My BGF arrived and was saddened that the kids already went home.  But we ended up staying up quite late since I taught him how to play Magic: The Gathering which he enjoyed so much.  But I still won 3 out of 3 games we played.  LOL.

It sure was a fun day!  Hope there’ll be more of this to come!

Out With My Mom

Went out with my mom today just for a change of scenery.  Didn’t have much money but it turned out to be okay.  We wanted to buy a new television set.  Unfortunately, our budget didn’t allow it.  So I treated her lunch at Pancake house.  Dinner at Red Ribbon.  In between, we window shopped around SM City and at Gaisano Mall.

I brought her a necklace that I thought would be fitting for her to use in both her casual and formal meetings.  I’m a bit tired but I had fun!  One thing I enjoyed was being with my mom and seeing her like a kid again.  Although I think I tired her out much.  She’s already upstairs to get some rest.

I just want to share one picture I took.

Bears much? Kulang nung blue.. di kumpleto! T___T

Dreaming about my Dad

I dreamt of my dad last night.  It was both, real and surreal.  The whole scene was familiar and strange.  We were at home.  Dad was there and I knew and he knew he already passed away.  I was asking him how he felt the whole time he was still in the ICU and how it was like to die.  I remember him replying that he already had a hunch that he was sick of cancer.  That it was ok.  And I think he said something about being worried for us.  Not sure.  The rest of my dream was hazy.  I was intent of having a few pictures of both of us while he was there because I knew he would be leaving soon.  Then as we were going to head out with my mom, the scene changed into a sidewalk scene with my dad’s car driven by my older brother.  Then at the back seat was my dad’s sister, my cousin, and my niece and nephew from my cousin.  Then we got on the car and then I woke up.

What could it have meant?  Last night one of my officemates asked me if my dad made his presence known to me then by coincidence, I dreamed of him.  Some said I should dedicate mass for him, another said my dad’s astral projection was communicating with me (since it is believed that the spirit does not leave the earth until it’s 4oth day since death).  Mom wanted to know what we were exactly saying to each other in my dream.  Unfortunately, I’m slow in memory.  But nevertheless, I got the most important thing (for me anyway) I wanted to find out.

I’m really missing him.  There are a lot of things I want to share with him right now.  Tears still flow every once in a while especially when I play some songs that remind me of him.

Missing Something

It’s been more than a week since my dad passed away.  I’m still figuring out if it’s been quite long already.  But I guess the hustle and bustle of every single day since he died – from the hospital to transporting his remains to the funeral parlor; the preparations of his wake; settling bills at the hospital; interment; death certificate processing; and the current daily prayers for 9 days – seem to put me in auto pilot.  I still haven’t fully grieved yet.  At times I find myself thinking when will Dad be coming home, when will I get to hear his voice, or what his opinion would be about some random thought running through my brain.

At times I believe I’ve come to accept that he’s truly gone, but I’m still searching for his presence.  A lot have said it’s normal, but how can it be normal when you started your life knowing your parents have always been around you.  Although at most times, they’ve been pushed into the background, but they’re there nonetheless.

God, I hate this…

I’ve lost interest in going to work.  I’m still on leave so I’m not playing hokey.  But if I had other options (means of earning money outside work), I would quit altogether.  Sad to say, I still have no alternative plans.  So I guess I’m stuck in being miserable at work and nursing a massively pained heart.

Nobody said it was easy.  This is much worse than break-ups.  At the very least, you could still patch things up or come to terms living with the loss of the relationship.  But losing a parent?  I wouldn’t want to wish this great feeling of loss which I am feeling right now to anyone.  You really can’t prepare ENOUGH when it comes to death.  It takes a lot of time.

For my case, I wouldn’t know how long.  I miss my dad so much.