The Cycling Chronicles: Service Vehicle

I bought my bike for the primary purpose in having my own service vehicle in going to the office, returning home, and running errands. The added exercise I get is a BIG BONUS in keeping fit. Due to some hesitations (and having my half-brother dropping me off to work), I never made it a daily habit. Saturdays and holidays were my ride-my-bike-to-work day.

On a whim, I decided to ride my bike for work yesterday. Good thing my slacks were stretchy enough to accommodate movement. It was the perfect time to try my cycling app on my iTouch in heading off to work – The Runtastic Roadbike. It’s an app that an individual can use for cycling, running, and race cycling.

Here’s a screenshot of my session in heading off to work (a bit longer than my usual period of 13 to 15 minutes):

Going home was another story though. With the weather inconsistencies, I ended up braving the rain in getting home. Half-expecting that the rain wouldn’t pour too much, I sped up going home.

Unfortunately, the rain had other plans. In reaching my 5th minute (the in-ear coach of Runtastic Roadbike informs the user of the elapsed time and number of kilometers) the rain poured… HARD and FAST. Rather than take shelter, I continued on to my destination. No point waiting out for the rain to stop. I was too rain-drenched anyway! Better to be home than waiting in the rain, too soaked up to dry with the wind blowing around.

After 14 minutes of cycling in the rain, I finally got home to dry myself off.

So I braved my first rainy bike cycling. But I had to take a half-day leave to fully rest my body.

Lesson learned: Always bring jacket!

A Fun Run Interview

3 days have passed since my first Fun Run with my new run buddy, Mackay.  But until now I am still constantly hounded over mobile phone texts, and Facebook comments on that not-so-uneventful day.  You see, out of the thousand runners, it was me and my run buddy who got interviewed.  Like most impromptu interviews, ours was really unexpected.  You’d think that those who took a coverage wouldn’t bother runners.  Unfortunately though, us as “runners” opted to brisk walk along the way while chatting.  Thus the ambush interview.

I didn’t even remember what the content of the interview was.  I was so out of it!  I sort of remember stating that we were running to have fun, and then slightly (and I mean SLIGHTLY) confirm knowing the cause for the event.  ARGH!!! Talk about epic fail!  Sheesh!  And to think I had my shades but didn’t wear it at that time!  Good thing the cameraman didn’t record below our race bib numbers or else all those who watched the news coverage (and its replay) would have seen my name!  That didn’t help though.  A number of people texted me saying they saw me get interviewed.  Even my aunt saw it!  Then lo and behold, a few of my Facebook friends were posting comments, mentioning the news and seeing me… a field day!  And frankly, a bit too much exposure.

I never got to see the coverage (and I’m a bit THANKFUL for that!).  At least I wouldn’t be having repeated flashbacks of another humiliating moment in my life! Whew!  I’ll never make side comments and quirky comebacks of people who were interviewed for TV (especially those who were in candid camera).

That was more than 15 minutes of fame for me.  I hope it won’t happen again.  Or rather, if it can’t be helped, I hope I’ll be more prepared, quick to respond intelligently, and most of all… be in INCOGNITO!

Lol!  Well I’m glad I made a few people smile during these past few days.  I hope I’ll get to do more (but less on my expense).

Eyesight “Improvement”

My vision has been troubling me for the past few months.  But being the stubborn person that I am, I ignored all signs pointing to the fact that I needed my eyes checked.  Mainly because I was firmly holding on to my vision grade which has been constant ever since I started wearing contact lenses.  For almost 6 years I’ve used the same grade: 2.50 for my left eye, and 2.75 for my right eye.  I wanted to cry out knowing that my eyesight has become fuzzier over the past few months.  Blame it on computer games, social networking, staying up late up to the wee hours in the morning, and again… blaming myself for being bull-headed.

SIGH… No need to prolong the inevitable.  Last night I went to my favorite optical store – Executive Optical.  I would’ve wanted it to be over soon but I ended up waiting for the optometrist to return.  When she arrived, I had to wait again for her to settle another customer’s complain.  ARGH!  Talk about exasperating circumstances!  Anyway, when it came for me to go with the usual procedures of eye check-up, I felt really apprehensive about how worse my eyesight has become.

Result?  Both my eyes got an additional .50.  Not so bad, not so good either.  Admittedly, I think I still need a higher grade especially for my left eye.  I didn’t notice it much last night but for the better part of the morning (or worse part rather), my left eye needs to be more squinted than normally to help me see better.  Or maybe I’m just sleepy.

I’m looking for something to help me feel better.  A message of sorts, an inspiring quote or two.  But instead, I stumble into a site that would help improve one’s eyesight thru subliminal messages.  Hmm… could it be a sign?   AWESOME!  Well no harm looking in to it. The mind, after all, is a powerful thing.

Since it’s on CD format (and for sale!), I opted in looking for a close substitute or at least get a general idea of its theory.  I stumbled upon Once Upon a Frog’s post here.

In a nutshell, it’s basically about having the proper mindset (and willpower, and patience).  Quite a process but same as every school of thought, it has to be coupled with faith.

Hmm… I need to clear my mind of clutter and focus.

(Po style from Kung Fu Panda 2) Inner peace… inner, inner peace… inner p… inner… SIGH.  It would take a long time!  I just hope it won’t take years of solitary meditation, or a really painful event in life.

SKADOOSH!

Sharing with a Grieving Heart

I’m trying to compose my thoughts on how to go about in sharing what’s on my mind for my post but the intro words seem to escape me.  So I’ll just say it as it is.

Last night I went to the wake of my friend’s Dad (and my Dad’s friend).  It was only last March that Sarsky learned that his father was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer of the liver.  The same infliction that caused my own father’s death a few months back.  I think it was the same day that I was offered my new job that I was informed about it as well.  It was a total killjoy news.  I felt a squeeze in my heart for what my friend was going through, what she will be going through, and all the uncertainties “dying” presents.

One is never ready for death.  When I knew my dad was dying, it was a just day before he died.  Me and my half-brother rushed him to the hospital and all the time I was just thinking it would be a rerun on what happened in the December of 2009.  When the doctor informed me he had cancer… that was when all the floodgates of my tears opened and the reality of losing my dad to a very traitorous illness broke through my defenses.  But I had to be strong… for my dad… my mom… and for myself.  I never really internalized what was happening around me… the gravity, the severity of the situation… just an issue that I would tackle on a later time since more pressing matters needed to be attended.  I was running on auto-pilot… especially in the morning of his death  I spent most my time on his bedside in the ICU, alternating from grabbing medicines at the pharmacy, talking to the doctors, following up on my health care benefits, lending him my iPod (the last playlist I made for him is still queued).  People always asked how I did it.  Not breaking down and cry?

I just did.  It couldn’t be helped.  Dad always wanted things to be in place, and to be always happy.  And that’s what drove me… I guess.  I know I’ve already accepted his death even before anyone else in the family did.  The vigil we kept by his bedside table from the time the doctor confirmed he will be going anytime soon,  up to the last rise and fall of his heart monitor, up to his final intake of breath, and up to his final heart beat.  I witnessed it all.  Dad died a peaceful death.  With his ready smile on his lips at his wake, he didn’t look like he suffered from any pain.

I know I’ve grieved my fair share.  But there are a lot of times, that I wonder if I’ve ever grieved enough.  Seeing my friend at the same state that I was then on my dad’s wake – always ready to share what happened, entertaining guests, offering food, forgetting to eat, participating in the services, and always being her happy and sunny self – resonated and struck a chord deep in me.  Thankfully though, Sarsky and her family are very close and are very spiritual.  They had each other to comfort them, and she has friends (like me and my college classmates) ready to be there anytime she needs us.

My heart goes out to her family.  Tito Jun’s cancer did not rest well on him.  His body was totally affected by his sickness.  On a sad note, I couldn’t see Tito Jun in the man who was lying there.  The picture on top of his coffin will be the face that I would always remember.  The picture which he chose since he new his features would change when he dies.  Typical of Tito Jun to always make light of a dark situation.  I feel really bad.  I didn’t expect the change to happen.  Not in such a short span of time.  I guess cancer, the time frame when you find out about it, and whether you go to the hospital to be treated plays vital roles on how it affects one’s body.

When my dad died, he retained most of his physical features.  Though he dropped a few kilos, he was still recognizable.  Maybe because he died the way he lived.  Always at the moment.  Not plugging himself with medicines.  Just for that thought alone, I am grateful that we learned of his illness at the last minute.  My regret is, I never got to spend much time with him, nor spoil him.  No more impromptu music sessions, early morning greetings during birthdays or holidays for me.  You can read the eulogy I made here.

Okay… enough about that.  We need to keep moving forward.  Besides, it should be a happy day too.  It’s Sarsky’s birthday and me and my college classmates will be meeting up to make her happy on her special day.

Sarsky and Tito

Sobbing In My Sleep

A few days ago, Mom told me that I’ve been sobbing in my sleep the past night and calling out for her.  I was surprised.  I don’t remember dreaming about something bad [or sad for that matter] to make me sob.

Call me stupid but I don’t remember any lesson about sobbing in dreams during college.  Surely it has something to do with the unconscious but to extract the exact meaning, it would have to be subjective by nature.  So if that’s the case, perhaps it has something to do with the goings-on in my work life.  SHEESH!  No solace whatsoever!  Or maybe it still has something to do with my dad’s passing.  I dreamed of him a few weeks ago (I think I posted it here), and there’s no denying that I’m still missing him.

A lot of reasons… it’s my mind that’s not focusing.

Anyway, it’s a Saturday night and I’m all by myself at home.  Mom’s out and will be back tomorrow so if I feel like bawling out my emotions I’m free to do so with no worries that someone is watching or worrying someone at all.  But my mind’s too hyped up with many thoughts that I don’t think I can dwell much on a certain subject.  I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad one.

I’m currently looking up online meanings for sobbing during sleep but the results are too general.  Or maybe I’m just typing the wrong keywords to narrow down my search.  Oh well… like I said, my focus needs more focus.

I need more introspection.

Sick

That about sums it up.  Physically… emotionally… but not yet to the point of being mental.  I’m really tired.  I see no sense in faking to like my job when I’m not happy anymore.  Sure there are some moments that make me happy but it’s not enough to take away the pain and the feelings of being treated like dirt.  Add to that, I’m feeling my temperature rising not because of holding in my anger, but from a slight fever.

I don’t like being sick.  But most of the time I welcome it because it proves I’m human.  I seldom get sick except in extreme cases.

My mind is starting to wander again.  I think I’ll take a break now so that I can still rest a bit before I travel back home.

Take care!

Recalling My Day

It’ll be my fourth fun run tomorrow.  I need to sleep already and wake up early.  But I’m still lazing around.  I guess I’m still a bit “high” from my day.  Met up with my bff at Gaisano Mall, brought a new pair of earphones (needed another one), went window shopping.  Eventually we left to go to SM and meet up bff achi’s older sis.  Sidetripped a bit at the cosplay event, snapped a few photos then went to the Sun Shop and follow up on our renewal.

BFF said we’d be going to Lanang and celebrate Sean’s (my other godchild) 7th birthday.  I bought two gifts since I wasn’t able to give his older brother a gift last October 18.  Good thing I was already able to canvas the price of their greatly raved color-changing toy cars.  *Whew*

So off we went, then had our fill of the food, chatted with the family, then eventually headed home.  So that brings me here.  I really need to sleep (even the background music playing is Itchyworms’ “Tulog Na” – a clear indication to tuck myself in already).  Oh well… better finish my fun run playlist to keep me up to pace tomorrow.  I’ll be running with my bff tomorrow.  A first! (Last week’s run with her didn’t count).  Finally, it’ll push through.

Wish me luck!

Taking A New Route

After more than two years of employment in my work, it was only yesterday – October 29, 2010 – that I found the easiest and most affordable way in going home.  Talk about being oblivious.

Just to give a background, there are two common routes that I take in going home from work (that’s minus the lazy days I have when I decide to take a cab home instead).  Both said common routes are either double rides or one jeepney ride plus a few blocks walk.  Though I rarely saw that as a problem since the latter option provides me a short (but much needed) exercise.

So what makes this new route different?  We’ll, nothing much really.  It’s still one jeepney ride and I have the option of walking home (a really, really short walk), or take a pedicab (not preferred).  But I guess, the timeliness of taking a new route during these “dark” days of my job helps in taking a different perspective, and refreshing my brain cells.

So far, I feel safer as well in walking through this new route. Downside though is that my drop off point is at the red light district of the city. LOL.

There’s Something They’re Not Telling Me…

The exact thoughts in my mind last night while I was eating my dinner.  My mom and dad had just arrived home a few seconds after me and since they got home together, I knew something was off.  My dad had his ultrasound (finally) last Wednesday, October 20.  According to Dad, his bloated stomach was caused by having water inside.  I asked why there was water and he wouldn’t give me an answer.  So I let it go for that night since he was to undergo laboratory tests the next day.

FLASH FORWARD>>

Back to last night.  My mom suddenly remarked: “The findings are…” and stopped with that.  She didn’t tell me then.  What’s up with that?!  Something was really, REALLY off.  I didn’t want to squeeze the information out of her then, I might not be sure how I’d be able to handle it.

Mom approached me in bed last night and dropped the bomb.  Results were: TUMOR.  My dad has a tumor.  That was the initial diagnosis so far.  Or maybe it was just what my mom said to me for now.  She hasn’t confirmed to me where the tumor was, and what stage it already is.  Whether it was benign or malignant, I have yet to find out.

Initial reaction?  A mixture of panic, shock, disbelief, and great pangs of sadness.  Afterwards, just blank…  How am I supposed to react?  I wouldn’t even know what to do and where to start.  Finances have been quite difficult for our family since last year.  We still haven’t been able to pay the debts we owe from the hospital when my dad was hospitalized last year.  My mom is not getting any younger and my earnings in my work aren’t exactly compensable for ALL expenses at home.  I admit having problems in saving as well.

*SIGH*

Somehow the fuel to the fire in resigning and looking for greener pastures has never been much stronger.  The past 10 months seem to have been a controlling wall for the backdraft that was just raring to let loose.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  It feels like I’m flailing in a sea of unavoidable circumstances everywhere I turn.  I don’t want to burden anyone and this is too heavy for others to carry with me.  It’s not my style to damper anyone’s life.

For now, I just wish I could get through with my personal accountabilities at work and get clearance.  Then possibly, look for work abroad.  I hate leaving my parents on my own.  But it’s one choice I need to consider.

Why do these things happen to me?  To my family?  People see me as tough.  But being viewed that way is what hurts the most.  And when you show your weakness, detractors would even say “you deserve it.”  Ouch.

I’ve never been much of a people-pleaser.  But one thing I aim for (and I think most of us humans crave for) is being understood, belonging.  - Gee… after all these years of existence, I am still in the third level of Abraham Maslow’s heirarchy of needs. – But that’s actual reality.  With the recent “newsflash”, sometimes I wish I had biological siblings to turn to.  Or money, to get through this easily.

*SIGH*

Does my post reflect my jumbled thoughts?  I feel like I’m not making any sense here.  So many things I want to let out – to explain myself, to process my thoughts, or simply put: to have meaning in my reality.

But I think I’ve exhausted my thoughts already.  I think I’ve said enough as well.

Thoughts at the top of my mind…

I woke up earlier than my usual (late) waking time.  Probably because I’ve been going in and out of consciousness since I slipped to slumber last night.  I was nursing a terrible headache by the time I got home from my godson’s birthday party.  Added to that was thinking about the extreme pressure for this week.  I had to finish up plans for our family day on Sunday and I feel I’m running out of time (and assistance!) in wrapping it up.  Oh well… there goes my KPI.

Anyway, I’m worried again about my dad.  Yep.  One reason of my sleepless night.  Remember when I told you that he didn’t undergo his ultrasound check-up a few weeks ago?  Well now he’s experiencing more discomfort (and probably pain) in his side and, frankly, I’m feeling helpless about it.  Worst case scenario: a repeat of last year’s hospitalization.

Hopefully he’ll really go on his check-up today.  At least we’d be a little bit more prepared on what to expect on the coming days.

Wish us luck and the best of health.