Always From the Outside Looking In
Last night, my former classmates and I got together and just catch up. My decision to join in was one of those last minute decisions. Not that I didn’t want to go, but more so just to make sure that I wasn’t leaving any unfinished or pending works (I did though, but anyway…).
So I was the last one to come by at Nanay Bebeng’s. Spent quite an amount for my dinner and was basically listening in to the general conversation that was floating around. There was Dimple sharing about her niece (or was it nephew?) then Ivy and Cha aptly listening and giving their comments at the same time sharing stories of their own – Cha, on her “practicing” being engaged, Ivy sharing on Orville’s (one of our classmates) plans on getting married and other snippets about Joven and Bhogs (2 of our male classmates). There was Mating, eating dinner and sharing videos of her son beside Sarah. Across me sat Lily and her boyfriend Mark. Then there was Steph whose presence will always be noticeable. After dinner, we went to the Coffee Cat and continue with our “bonding” and “photo shoot” sessions.
Sarah wanted to leave early and since I think that there wasn’t so much I had to share, so after all the oohs and ahhs I garnered when they saw my baby (my lappy), and after copying a few pictures and sharing a few songs I was ready to go home (even though it was quite early).
So as we were saying goodbye, I wasn’t sure if I should beso all or some. I ended up only kissing cheeks with those nearby and not everyone. It’s like college again. Belonging but not actually fitting in. Oh sure I get along with all of them and we keep in touch from time to time. I get invitations to get-togethers and updates on who’s up with what and where’s whoever but it’s nothing that I don’t occasionally get from opening my Facebook. Sure they ask me how I’ve been from time to time but mostly when there’s that short gap in between conversations.
I’m not complaining. I’m more used to being an observer – someone from the outside looking in. I just wish it were easier to be comfortable when I’m with them. Sometimes I just feel that I don’t belong. Maybe it’s because for the last few years when we were still studying, I was running with different circles.
But then again, I shouldn’t be too concerned. You see, I run in a lot of social circles – from classmates to schoolmates; from my PCS (Peer Counselor’s Society) to my SSE Underdogs (my college basketball team); from my officemates to my barkada – and yet in more moments that one I still feel like a stranger. A short picture flashes at the back of my mind. Being part of the portrait but not truly belonging.
I am the kind of person who shares openly about my life. But I prefer being able to share to people who are not burdened in listening. But anyway, too little time and too much catching up. Besides, it wouldn’t seem right to ask all of them to start over again in their updates just to keep abreast. Oh well, till next time!
Anyway, thanks for the night guys!