There’s Something They’re Not Telling Me…

The exact thoughts in my mind last night while I was eating my dinner.  My mom and dad had just arrived home a few seconds after me and since they got home together, I knew something was off.  My dad had his ultrasound (finally) last Wednesday, October 20.  According to Dad, his bloated stomach was caused by having water inside.  I asked why there was water and he wouldn’t give me an answer.  So I let it go for that night since he was to undergo laboratory tests the next day.

FLASH FORWARD>>

Back to last night.  My mom suddenly remarked: “The findings are…” and stopped with that.  She didn’t tell me then.  What’s up with that?!  Something was really, REALLY off.  I didn’t want to squeeze the information out of her then, I might not be sure how I’d be able to handle it.

Mom approached me in bed last night and dropped the bomb.  Results were: TUMOR.  My dad has a tumor.  That was the initial diagnosis so far.  Or maybe it was just what my mom said to me for now.  She hasn’t confirmed to me where the tumor was, and what stage it already is.  Whether it was benign or malignant, I have yet to find out.

Initial reaction?  A mixture of panic, shock, disbelief, and great pangs of sadness.  Afterwards, just blank…  How am I supposed to react?  I wouldn’t even know what to do and where to start.  Finances have been quite difficult for our family since last year.  We still haven’t been able to pay the debts we owe from the hospital when my dad was hospitalized last year.  My mom is not getting any younger and my earnings in my work aren’t exactly compensable for ALL expenses at home.  I admit having problems in saving as well.

*SIGH*

Somehow the fuel to the fire in resigning and looking for greener pastures has never been much stronger.  The past 10 months seem to have been a controlling wall for the backdraft that was just raring to let loose.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  It feels like I’m flailing in a sea of unavoidable circumstances everywhere I turn.  I don’t want to burden anyone and this is too heavy for others to carry with me.  It’s not my style to damper anyone’s life.

For now, I just wish I could get through with my personal accountabilities at work and get clearance.  Then possibly, look for work abroad.  I hate leaving my parents on my own.  But it’s one choice I need to consider.

Why do these things happen to me?  To my family?  People see me as tough.  But being viewed that way is what hurts the most.  And when you show your weakness, detractors would even say “you deserve it.”  Ouch.

I’ve never been much of a people-pleaser.  But one thing I aim for (and I think most of us humans crave for) is being understood, belonging.  – Gee… after all these years of existence, I am still in the third level of Abraham Maslow’s heirarchy of needs. – But that’s actual reality.  With the recent “newsflash”, sometimes I wish I had biological siblings to turn to.  Or money, to get through this easily.

*SIGH*

Does my post reflect my jumbled thoughts?  I feel like I’m not making any sense here.  So many things I want to let out – to explain myself, to process my thoughts, or simply put: to have meaning in my reality.

But I think I’ve exhausted my thoughts already.  I think I’ve said enough as well.

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About d@rk_@ngel_kn!ght

A traveler at heart, a bystander by nature. On good hair days, I look like a cobra with my hair serving as my "hood". On other days, I'm better off left alone. Genuine, sweet, thoughtful, and simple.

Posted on October 22, 2010, in Family, Health and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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