With Santa On My Lap (A Big Girl’s Christmas Wish)
Above all material things I keep wishing for, nothing can top my heart’s desire that the people I love the most be kept SAFE and HEALTHY… always. I guess it springs from the need for safety and security. I think Abraham Maslow could explain this further.
This morning, my mom dropped the bomb on me over breakfast.
Mom: “Naa koy malignant tumor sa akong matris ug cyst sa left side.” (I have a malignant tumor in my uterus and a cyst on my left side)
Me: (fighting back the tears) “What left side? Ovary?”
Mom: “Siguro…” (Maybe)
Fighting back the tears, we continued our conversation on what’s going to happen next. Mom has decided not to get operated preferring the natural way in finding a cure. Since she’s into alternative medicine, some of the doctor’s advise on medicines clash to what she has studied and known for a couple of years already. Another reason is that our financial status is just enough to maintain our day to day grind (No inputs on how to earn money quick please!). As for me, I need to read up more, ask further questions, and be more knowledgeable FAST so that I can plan and prod what needs to be done.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell my friends or my colleagues yet. I didn’t want to have too many questions that I didn’t know what to say. It’s enough that my nightly fears have been confirmed (how my mom fidgets when she sleeps and my constant checking if there’s still a rise and fall of breath on her chest), I don’t think I can handle the uncertain. So far I’ve only informed my boss. But by the time you get to this part, dear reader, you would know about it too. I only request for understanding and a little space. If I may seem aloof and distant, forgive me. It is not you, but what’s going on right now. I appreciate your concern but please do not smother me. I will know when I can’t hold my emotions on my own.
I’m sorry my friends, I couldn’t decide on whether to tell you too. It’s a bummer for this season. It’s always Christmas that I seem to receive heavy emotional blows. And I didn’t want to dampen your mood.
For the moment, I’m still processing myself… coming to terms with the possible implications this would mean. All my topics I’be planned out to post are taking a temporary back seat as I stare into the eyes of my little Santa man on my lap. How I wish I were young again and ask Santa for the latest toys, or have the lovely drawing set my classmate has, a new bike, clothes and whatnots instead of praying for my mom’s tumor and cyst to go away.
Santa, can you hear me?
But Santa is only for little girls and boys. I doubt if I’m still part of the “nice list” to make the cut. But I’ll still try.
So I’m slowly putting my hands together, silently sending a prayer not only to an icon of childhood dreams, but to the Lord… please help me get through this…