Category Archives: A Wandering Mind

My escaped thoughts captured in writing.

Sometimes


Sometimes, the thing you’ve feared to become in the eyes of others infects you.  You end up being labeled as the thing you feared the most… without meaning to… without intending to.

A lapse of judgement… a totally unrelated huddle… misinterpreted by others.

#insensitive

Self-fulfilling prophecies that Mr. Subconscious takes over of.

Insignificant and worthless.

Then the inner turmoil sets in.  Rearing a beast of doubt and insecurity hell-bent in wreaking havoc to an otherwise glorious moment.  All too consuming… engulfing every ounce of joy and excitement for the fun of the game, leaving only emptiness, errors, and self-doubt.

Drowning.  Trying to reach out… clumsily failing.

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Alone


There are many things in life that you go through alone.  Being born, surviving the death of a loved one, duties at work, your thoughts, your emotions, writing your own paper…authentic happiness, getting sick… death.

It is so amazing that amidst the billions of people in this earth, no one else goes through the same thing as you.

(Terminal, Ecoland, 05.09.15)

—- unfinished

Off My Foot


So I met a slight mishap a couple of nights ago causing extreme pain to my right heel whenever I take a step.  At first I thought it was just a bruise… but as I kept on walking, it became more painful everytime my heel touches the ground.  I ended up not going to work the day after the incident and went to the doctor for a check up.

Turns out my foot got traumatized with the impact as I alighted from the moving jeepney.  If the pain won’t go away by Friday, I’ll need to have an x-ray just to rule out calcaneal spur… or what the doctor explains is an extra bone under my foot.  [This said bone got the impact as I landed… can’t exactly explain the pain.]

Therefore I’m under medical orders to be off my feet with my medical certificate stating “Traumatic Rheumatism”.

Geez… such a mouthful.  And so medically-sounding. Lol

Anyway, now I’m literally and figuratively off my feet.  Still a bit ambiguous as to how I should feel about it though.  On the one hand I get to rest from work (although it’s only been less than a week since the start of school) on the other hand it sucks that I can’t do any physical activities that involve my feet (walking, jogging, biking) and missing out on a number of activities slated over the weekend.  Being a couch potato isn’t as appealing as before.  Living alone isn’t exactly easy when you can’t walk.

At least I get to sleep during the day, catch up on series reruns, and put my feet up.

I just hope the pain goes away.  It would be a bummer to walk on my own for my xray.

Oh well.  Challenge accepted!

Struggling


[A failed and an unfinished post last October 24, 2013]

My life in one word.

Everyday.  It’s a struggle.

I so badly want to detach.  To just scream and shout.

But that’s not me.

I’m not depressive.  I brood instead.

It’s been a habit to stay tough.  To put up a thick front.

My days are currently bombarded with tons of pressure from all sides.  I find it difficult to concentrate.  Whenever I try to work on a specific task, I end up losing focus… thinking of the other things I need to work on.  By the end of the day… I can’t accomplish anything.

Fail.

Focus on What We Can Control


I posted this on my group’s Facebook page almost a year ago (last April 25, 2014 to be exact).  I don’t remember anymore the exact situation that was happening then… probably had something to do with boat training… A lot of frustrations from a number of members were thrown out here and there, slowly dwindling in our steps and our desires for the team… getting discombobulated…

Fast forward to the present day.

After having our own training boat, a change in training, joining 3 dragon boat competitions, the lose and gain of members… It still feels a bit surreal to have reached passed our one year of existence as a team.  Still, a we have such a long way to go.

Regardless of the may issues that may arise, allow me to share this one again (as apt as it may seem st this time).

With all that has been happening since the start of the training for the neophytes in dragon boat racing, it may seem like we’ve been taking one step forward and two steps back.

A lot of things are out of our control.  So allow me to urge each and every member to be “Proactive” (Stephen R. Covey).  Let us all channel our energies and efforts in things that we can control (e.g. Continuous training, our relentless spirit, and channeling our energies to more important and productive things).

Because, just as any other mythical creature awaken after decades and centuries of sleep, we begin our rise disoriented and at a loss.  So I think we’re all in the same boat (pun intended) when I say the road to success is never easy.  But like most greenhorns, we learn to adapt.  We may not yet have the right instruments but we persevere with an unwavering drive and make use of our resources.  We are steered by our goal and set our minds and heart to it.  And in turn, it leads us to where we all want to be.

Dreams aren’t meant to be easy.  For if they were, then it wouldn’t be worth the effort.  The beauty of reaching for dreams is that constant struggle in achieving it – its elusiveness as we grasp for it.  Remember… A caterpillar does not become a beautiful butterfly without struggling from its cocoon to show to the world it’s transformation.

Let us be reminded why we chose the name: Hiraya Minokawa Dabaw.  Hiraya – the offspring of our dreams, hopes, and aspirations; Minokawa – an icon to represent our dragon boat team that calls attention to our awakening spirit; and Dabaw – representing our land.  In short, we aspire to be an inspiration in our advocacies and that “out of nothing, we become more than something.”

Someday soon we’ll all look back on these struggles and reminisce the moments we’ve experienced during our rousing.  How, from being an ignored and forgotten entity, we soar above diversity united and surpassed our trials through being agents of change by checking our form (our stand), knowing which stroke to use (the route to take), and to always move forward and ride the waves in life.

So chin up, claws down.  Paddle up!  Attention… Ready… Now! 🙂

Christmas Musings


Christmas Eve is just a few hours away.  Pretty soon the quiet will settle and I will have the house all to myself.

A couple of my friends have been incessantly inviting me to spend time and have Noche Buena with them.  Repeatedly telling me (and others) matter-of-factly that I’m spending Christmas with them.  However, I politely declined each offer.  I have such great friends who are so sweet, so giving, and so loving.  I know they mean well and they don’t want me to be on my own for Christmas.  But I don’t want to be an imposition.  And frankly, I prefer to be at home for this season.  To be closer to the memories of my parents.  Where I can be myself. (Put it this way, it’s easier to treat this season in a normal note rather than be reminded of things that have gone.)

When my parents were still alive, we didn’t have any Christmas traditions (the must-have foods like what’s commonly commercialized on TV).  As long as there was food on the table, and we went to the Christmas Eve mass that was already enough.  It was just like any normal day at home.  So I guess our celebration was just downplayed.  I guess as I grew up and we all grew older, Christmas was more celebrated in solemnity rather than being a party.

For someone who’s sometimes tagged by friends as a “social butterfly” in most occasions, I honestly prefer the quiet of my home during this Christmas.  I guess the past few years (since the time of my dad’s first hospitalization) I’ve lost my moxie in holiday preparations, cheers, and even spirit.  But then again, my Christmases were usually spent at my grandma’s house with my relatives.

Wow… I forgot about those memories…

Anyway, now that I’m currently on my own I should start on making my own traditions.  Maybe go out and ride my bike, turn up the volume on my music, visit my neighbors, play dress-up, map out my lifeplans… Lol. Well, whatever I may have planned, it’ll be something of my own.

To my bffs, if you’re reading this, please don’t worry about me.  It’s cute (and annoying!) that you’re constantly monitoring me but I am totally fine being on my own for this season.  I know (and you keep on reminding me) that I’m not an imposition and that I’m practically part of your family but I can’t help feeling like a spectator from the outside-looking-in.  And there are some seasons I have to celebrate on my own.  You guys enjoy your own traditions while I celebrate (for now) .  I’ll see you real soon!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

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Hiraya Minokawa Dabaw Dragon Boat Team Recruitment


Contrary to news circulated by people who do not seem to have the proper command of the communication arts, my dragon boat team, the Hiraya Minokawa Dabaw (HMD) is still very much intact and have not been exploded/destroyed/dismantled/broken (I don’t know which to use since the Visayan word released was “bungkag” – a word which I believe is normally used for objects.  To be more precise, I googled its translation as such: dismantled \disassembled \knocked down \taken apart \scattered parts).  So take your pick.

Again, I would just like to state that our team is still here to stay.  There were a number of members who decided to leave the group out of their own volition and with reasons that they can only justify with.  In life, it would be unfair if we would hold back people from their happiness.  As long as they are happy, we support them.

Now that the issue has been cleared, the HMD is continuously promoting the dragon boat sport to the Davao City community.  Being part of the group, we are eager to accept individuals who are interested in our sport.

We train during weekends (Saturdays and Sundays) from 5:00AM – 8:00AM at Bonguyan Beach Resort (at the extreme left side where our boat is currently located).  To be continuously updated, please visit our Facebook Fanpage: https://www.facebook.com/hirayaminokawadabaw

Some of our recruitment ads:

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Thank you for your unwavering support.

HIRAYA MINOKAWA… DABAW!!!

From the Outside Looking In: Siblings


I will never know how it feels like to grow up living with brothers and/or sisters.  Being raised as an only child, sibling dynamics (the unspoken bond of closeness, the rivalry, and the long history of memories).  I guess I can just speculate how it goes and will always be a spectator on the sidelines… someone from the outside looking in.

Although I have 3 older half-brothers, my relationship with them is not exactly the kind that most people who grew up with their siblings (on the same house)  have.  And honestly, many factors of the years didn’t do much to bridge the gap I have with them.  Civil, yes.  Comforting, yup… a little bit.  Close?  Not exactly.

My older half-brother – Kuya* A – came over to visit this afternoon. (*Kuya in the Philippines means older brother.) Normally, we’d just do the usual pleasantries that I’ve gotten used to over the years.  Most often (especially when Mom was still very sick, and during the weeks after she passed on), his visit would include me offering dinner to him and discussing standard matters such as how my Dad’s side of the family is doing.  But this time, Kuya A was very, very talkative.  He was talking about his older brother, my Kuya J, who is now in New Zealand and about the rushed decision in leaving the country.  He seemed very concerned about Kuya J’s welfare overseas with my 2 nieces (Kuya J’s daughters) left to the care of his in-laws in Manila.  Then from that topic, he veered off into recalling his childhood and how they grew up under the care of our Lola (grandmother).

I was keeping to myself the whole time but was honestly fascinated by his stories of growing up.  How Kuya J would cry when they’d be running late for school in elementary, how he would prepare Kuya A’s stuff for school so that they would be late and practically dragging him hurriedly as they walk from their house to the school.  Then to the stories of how Kuya J defended him against punishments dished out by Lola because he came home late or caused a lot of commotion at home.  How Kuya J defended him from their eldest brother, Kuya M when he was being his obnoxious self.  It was only today that I knew about Kuya J’s “violent” side when Kuya A said Kuya M got a nosebleed when Kuya J punched him because of something he did to Kuya A.  After the childhood stories, he continued on to Kuya J’s lovelife and “love” problems with then girlfriend (and current wife).  One thing struck me most… when, after an argument with the gf when Kuya J brought along Kuya A to watch a movie with them, Kuya J said “Mas mawala ka pa, kesa kay A.”  (I’d rather lose you, rather than A.)

Blood brothers.  Siblings.

I saw my half-brothers in a whole new light tonight. It became so easy to see how they grew up to be the persons that they are (behavior-wise and personalityp-wise).  And even if, as adults, we’ve remained pretty close I would never know nor experience living a life with siblings… growing up with them together, sharing stories and secrets of childhood, and truly being comfortable in just being myself to them.

I will be forever mystified by the prospect of the relationship between siblings.  Regardless of how close I may be with my friends and no matter how “included” I may be with their family and however close I may be to their brothers and/or sisters…  And no matter how akin to a sibling-type relationship we may have, it would not be the same.

And I feel I missed out on something very wonderful.

P.S.  If I were to report on Alfred Adler’s birth order theory in class again, I’d cite my Kuyas as example.  However, I think Mr. Adler would have a field day in breaking down my birth order – the only child, the youngest, the eldest.  Have fun Mr. Adler!

A Month in 30


So I promised myself I’d blog today (September 11, 2014), a month after my birthday just to break my writer’s block spell.

30 years… and counting.  3 decades of being alive.

I missed being greeted with a birthday song by my parents early in the morning.  And I guess I’ll be always missing their voices every time my day comes up.  But anyway, I couldn’t think of anything in particular to write about yet, so I’m going to share a couple of things (30 to be exact… and if I can!) that I am grateful for this past few months and counting.

1.  Employment Status: Regular

My birthday came early with the notice of my regularization.  Mom and Dad would’ve been happy and proud.

[Regularization Notice Here.}

2. Birthday Party

Well… a celebration though. 🙂

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3. Surprise gifts

Some were expected, the others were real surprises.

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4. Meeting my baby cousin

Even through Skype, meeting the newest member of my mom’s side was such an adorable sight to see.

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5. Unforgettable (and hopefully once-a-year) Meet-Ups with Baba

Yes indeed.  We try to make it unforgettable. 🙂

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6. My Crazy Office Crew

Makes going to work more worth it.

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7. Healthy Options

So we’re into healthy eating now.

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8. My Kiddie Buddies

Doses of sunshine.

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9. My New Sport: Dragon Boat

I think I posted something about this previously.

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10. Braids!!!

There’s something about fixing a girl’s crowning glory… 🙂

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11. A New Adopted Family!

Going out with these guys has become a family affair.

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12. New Team Logo!

Being able to help out in coming up with this one!

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13. Facilitating Activities

Being invited to help out is fun!

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14. Broadway’s Wicked

Being able to watch this spectacular show!  Definitely a great performance!

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15. Alibata

Learning to write a few phrases in alibata.

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16. Doodles

Reliving a childhood activity.

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17. A Letter from Mom

*sigh*

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18. Forged Friendships

My sports buddy.

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19. Sticker Collection

Never gets old.

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20. Comfort Food

Perfect for rainy days.

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21. The Knight Riders

Fellow enthusiasts in biking.

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22. Pasalubongs

Nice to be remembered when friends go on trips (or are just visiting).

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23. The French-Fry Friday Club

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24. Visiting Friends

Always a welcome sight when friends you don’t get to see drop by for a quick hello… on the same day at different times.

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25. Passing the Comprehensive Exam

With a little help from friends.  My study warrior to keep me in check. 🙂

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26. Secret Starbucks Recipes

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27. My Fellow Leos (who are paddlers too.)

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28. My Bros and my Nieces

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29. BFFS

A league of your own and I love you all to bits!!!

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30. Ma Bear and Pa Bear

There’s a story here.  So tell me if you want to know about it.  (Pretty corny actually. lol)

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Hmmm… coming up with 3o things was a lot harder than I thought!  But it was only after I started listing things down that there were still more than the number I’ve set to be thankful for.  But for now, here’s my 30 things.

How about you guys?  Anything (or many things) to be grateful for?  Do share your own list!

Labels


I remember how surprised and a little bit impressed the Guidance Head of my University was during our interview for the Peer Counselors Society – a club I wanted to join in college – when I was able to explain the importance of putting words on feelings.  I said that “when we are able to identify feelings, we acknowledge and accept them for what they are.  Thus leading to addressing it properly.”

I guess that got the nod of approval for me to be one of the few who became club members.

When I started working in the academe, working with young children proved how important it was for them to put a name on how and what they feel in order to help them process it.  Last year, it became detrimental that a child acknowledges how he feels to help him resolve conflict among his peers and within himself.  Sometimes it was easy, but during other times… it required more rationalizing.

For those who worked with different individuals, I think you know what I mean.  The use of proper terms and correct labels can make or break the discussion.

But then labels, when attached to someone’s personality and not the behavior nor emotions, become factors of contention.  Recently I’ve been hearing a number of concerns from my co-workers on how easily others would complain about the behavior of pupils in their class (just because they’ve self-diagnosed or heard that may have some special needs).  It has become bothersome how quickly they put their hands up in surrender when a child misbehaves in the classroom, conveniently complaining that they can’t manage them in class because the kid won’t listen nor participate.

Take Rod for example.  He’s a new student and has transferred from a small school of a population of 16 pupils in his class (from his previous school), to an estimated current class size of 35 pupils in a very big school.  Add to that he is raised by his fraternal grandparents.  His parents are not together.  He sees his dad when he’s in town and has never seen his mother for a very long time.  He’s an only child and spends most of his time with his grandparents.  He’s not allowed to play computer during weekdays but is allowed to watch YouTube during weekends.  During the few times I’ve observed him, he tends to put up walls when he gets scolded, or when his classmates keep on reminding him on how to behave.  The same behavior has also been observed by his grandparents as they disclosed during one of our meetings whenever Rod gets reprimanded.  He only eases up when he is approached in a more calm manner.

It’s only been 3 months since the start of the school year.  And I believe he’s still in his period of adjustment.  So many stimuli around him, accompanied with so many changes, and so many baggages he’s carrying in his little 6-year old shoulders.  During the conference I had with his guardians.  I suggested behavior modification (complete with contract signing and token-reward system) as initial intervention.  I found no need for referral to an expert or a DevPed during this time yet.  The grandparents were quite cooperative, and I was very optimistic.  I updated and informed the persons involved of the plan.  However, I was much surprised when a certain individual kept on egging me on that I was aware of Rod having special needs.  Which, in turn, I explained again that I only saw his emotional need to be very high.  No need to label his behavior of not listening to the teacher, and standing up during class hours as AD or whatsoever knowing that a number of teachers were able to manage him well during their own subject’s time.

Since when has effective classroom management been replaced by convenience just so the need for processing be circumvented?  Shouldn’t it be a collaborative effort to help address the concern?  Why is it suddenly convenient to put a label on pupils that they have special needs and should be diagnosed to address their behavior?  On my own observation?  Yes, they do have special needs.  But not the kind that needs to be assessed by experts.  The special need that I am talking about pertains to their need to be understood.  To understand the individual contexts each child is coming from.

I guess that’s the challenge now.  To know when to use the proper labels, and when labels are proper… and necessary.

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