There are many things in life that you go through alone. Being born, surviving the death of a loved one, duties at work, your thoughts, your emotions, writing your own paper…authentic happiness, getting sick… death.
It is so amazing that amidst the billions of people in this earth, no one else goes through the same thing as you.
(Terminal, Ecoland, 05.09.15)
—- unfinished —
[A failed and an unfinished post last October 24, 2013]
My life in one word.
Everyday. It’s a struggle.
I so badly want to detach. To just scream and shout.
But that’s not me.
I’m not depressive. I brood instead.
It’s been a habit to stay tough. To put up a thick front.
My days are currently bombarded with tons of pressure from all sides. I find it difficult to concentrate. Whenever I try to work on a specific task, I end up losing focus… thinking of the other things I need to work on. By the end of the day… I can’t accomplish anything.
Christmas Eve is just a few hours away. Pretty soon the quiet will settle and I will have the house all to myself.
A couple of my friends have been incessantly inviting me to spend time and have Noche Buena with them. Repeatedly telling me (and others) matter-of-factly that I’m spending Christmas with them. However, I politely declined each offer. I have such great friends who are so sweet, so giving, and so loving. I know they mean well and they don’t want me to be on my own for Christmas. But I don’t want to be an imposition. And frankly, I prefer to be at home for this season. To be closer to the memories of my parents. Where I can be myself. (Put it this way, it’s easier to treat this season in a normal note rather than be reminded of things that have gone.)
When my parents were still alive, we didn’t have any Christmas traditions (the must-have foods like what’s commonly commercialized on TV). As long as there was food on the table, and we went to the Christmas Eve mass that was already enough. It was just like any normal day at home. So I guess our celebration was just downplayed. I guess as I grew up and we all grew older, Christmas was more celebrated in solemnity rather than being a party.
For someone who’s sometimes tagged by friends as a “social butterfly” in most occasions, I honestly prefer the quiet of my home during this Christmas. I guess the past few years (since the time of my dad’s first hospitalization) I’ve lost my moxie in holiday preparations, cheers, and even spirit. But then again, my Christmases were usually spent at my grandma’s house with my relatives.
Wow… I forgot about those memories…
Anyway, now that I’m currently on my own I should start on making my own traditions. Maybe go out and ride my bike, turn up the volume on my music, visit my neighbors, play dress-up, map out my lifeplans… Lol. Well, whatever I may have planned, it’ll be something of my own.
To my bffs, if you’re reading this, please don’t worry about me. It’s cute (and annoying!) that you’re constantly monitoring me but I am totally fine being on my own for this season. I know (and you keep on reminding me) that I’m not an imposition and that I’m practically part of your family but I can’t help feeling like a spectator from the outside-looking-in. And there are some seasons I have to celebrate on my own. You guys enjoy your own traditions while I celebrate (for now) . I’ll see you real soon!
It’s almost been a month since I resigned from my previous job. I have relished on the past few weeks waking up anytime I wanted to, then going back to sleep again. Feels like high school summer. And for the past few days, it’s been a sick season for me. I’ve been under the weather due to colds. I couldn’t go out, break a sweat healthily, and I wasn’t up for the task in taking care of my business (seeing that it was handling food and giving it out to students).
Unemployment bombs. Really. I’m slowly depleting my savings and it’s not a happy thought. I’ve only applied to one company and although a lot of people might question the wisdom of my decision, let me just state that the vacancy I have applied for has been my dream job ever since I was still in high school. For almost the whole month, I’ve gone through a panel interview, battery of Psychology tests, and the English proficiency. There’s another test that I’m still scheduled for… with the date not yet set.
Quite… saddening really. But I’ll live.
One thing I’m thankful for is the time I get to spend catching up on my reading, and watching series finales to unfold.
When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.
– Avatar Aang, Legend of Korra S1 Finale
Begrudgingly (to say the least), I resolved to make the best out of my small business. It suddenly became clear to me how I envisioned how it would look like to make it genuinely appealing to my target clientele. Since our space is a bit small, a quaint snack place would fit right in. This morning, I started in making a rough draft for my Ice Craze when I received a phone call from the HR of my alma mater asking me if I was still available for the position I have applied for and that I am to report on Monday to the unit I was interviewed on, and go to the HR office on Saturday!
I’m not yet 100 % certain if I’ve been accepted, but things are looking up!
Wish me luck on both my endeavors!
I wasn’t the type of girl who imagined how my own “dream” wedding would play out… planning the details of the wedding… reception… vows… none. Now that a number of my school batchmates have gotten married, have started a family and on the family way. I feel so left behind.
It isn’t a rice.
It definitely isn’t. But it doesn’t stop me from taking a step back, review my life, and start thinking things… missing things…
Being lonely. Alone.
It’s not something I want to talk about out loud. My words may not do it justice. Trying to keep busy and doing other things but at the most inopportune moments, it creeps back into my thoughts. And I’m feeling like such a LOSER. I should be on top of these things, but I just can’t shake it off.
I guess it’s not really about settling down. More of missing companionship. Part of the pains of being an only child perhaps…
My alarm clock woke me up just in time to prep up for my flight earlier this morning. When I arrived at the airport and was lining up in the check-in counter, the PA system announced the arrival of our plane. When I turned around, they already placed cordons to block passengers who were late in checking in. Whew! At least I’m not one of them!
Since I wasn’t able to sleep well last night (and waking up really early), I was planning on sleeping through the whole flight. But as it always does my mind wanders. Nothing major really. Only random thoughts. Just to name a few:
1. The view outside the airplane window looks like viewing Google Earth;
2. How would you react if the airplane flooring was transparent?;
3. If mobile phones are prohibited during airplane flights, are they also prohibited in helicopter rides?;
4. Would it ever be possible to use mobile phones in the duration of the flights?; and
5. Since it’s a criminal offense to remove a life vest from the aircraft, was there ever any case that such event occured?
Okay, some may have been a bit weird. But those were just some escaped thoughts of a tired and sleepy mind. How about you guys? Got any thoughts you’d like to share? I would love to hear them!
That’s how I can describe my thoughts right now. My visiting boss took the afternoon off so no more pressure for me in entertaining her after work hours. I’ve finally accomplished my timekeeping early enough for it to be mailed today. I have a couple of work-related things that are cluttering my desk (which, by the way, reflects my jumbled thoughts) but nothing that can’t wait for next week. Tomorrow is the start of our long weekend and I’m looking forward to having enough rest and relaxation. Too bad though that our basketball game won’t push through tomorrow. Otherwise, it would have been a “complete” weekend – rest and recreation, sports and festivities, hanging out and pictorials. *SIGH* I’m drooling.
It’ll be our Kadayawan Day tomorrow. I’m not yet sure what my plans would be tomorrow. So much to do, lacking only in funds and deciding WHAT to do. But since I have my handy-dandy lappy (still with no name) and Lexei to keep me company, I shouldn’t worry too much. For sure some guys from Engineering will be asking me to join them in some recreational activities. I just hope it’s not some beer-drinking sesh though.
And my thoughts are traveling again in a different direction. Ominous clouds are looming over the horizon and I’m thinking if it would still be safe to walk home today. I want to exercise a bit and stretch out muscles that have become dormant for the week of just sitting down in my cube and facing the computer. It gets boring most of the time except for the occasional action that comes and goes.
Speaking of action, a brief moment of that just happened a few hours ago. One of our customer’s pilers fell from their truck while loading, injuring himself. Blood flowed from his mouth and he was limping while being transported to our clinic. Yikes!!! Another day for resetting our safety calendar to zero. Darn. And to think, last Monday we had our Safety and Security info session. Talk about speaking too soon. But it’s not entirely our fault though. That’s the problem with Sales. You can’t impose too much regulations on them (even if it’s for their own good!) because you might lose customers being too strict in making sure of their safety and security. The work of a Safetyman (or woman) is, sometimes, never appreciated.
Just caught a glimpse of the time and in 30 minutes it’ll be clocking out time. Countdown beginning. Tick tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Ke$ha much? LOL. I’m getting crazy here.
Anyway I hope that, for the rest of you guys out there, you’ll be enjoying your friday tomorrow and your weekend. Peace.